Tag Archives: canada

the trouble with al.

9 Nov

the last few weeks in india were some of the best, as it often goes when one chapter of your life comes to a quick and dirty close. the americans said: “al,  you are going out with a bang!”

so, there was copious amounts of shopping, chilled chardy (champers, pinot and sauv blanc oh my!), high heeled shoes at inappropriate times, tacky 90’s tv, un-inhibited dancing in public places, street food and other such poor life choices that may or may not have involved flavoured vodka. and tequilla. and whiskey.

whiskey? sweet baby jesus. well, there you have it folks….bang.

and the funny thing about all of this coming-to-a-close stuff, is that when things have finally closed, you remember these ‘bang up’ times and not the times you were walking around with shit on your foot from stepping in a sewer during a black out.

fact.

so, as much as i didn’t think it would happen, i am sitting here today watching the last few leaves fall from the trees outside, and wishing i could get a nice moist hug from calcutta’s unreasonably hot-air climate.

you know, the climate that i bitched about for 7 months. yep, that one.

nostalgia aside, india feels like a dream now that i’m back to everything oh-so-familiar. and besides trying to figure out how to process my experiences for a canadian context, i can’t help but continually think “heyyyyyyyy, so what’s next?”

and really, i  have no f*&king idea. which is not a great thing, let’s be real with each other here.

(no idea, that is, unless we’re talking short term. because i can pretty much guarantee you of a few things i will be enjoying later…things which i figure that after several months together you can probs fill in the ‘ol blanks about.)

the way forward.

anyway,  i do know, that nothing seems quite as valuable or interesting as what i was doing just last week. and i do know that, even though i’m craving unadulterated normalcy, this thing inside that always pushes me to chase-the-crazy, won’t let normal define my choices for too long. which is really annoying.

and you see…this is the trouble with being me, al.

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the logic of fish and fear.

18 Aug

there are several things in this world that make me…for lack of a better phrase…highly suspicious. the first of these things are butterflies. the second are birds. and the third, oh the third, are fish.

while it is primarily by coincidence that these are all living things, my guess is it is not coincidental that each of these creatures has one unifying characteristic: unpredictability.

butterflies constantly flutter around getting all up in your business, birds can attack literally at any moment and fish – well for god sakes – they just slink around in a slimy state acting as if they own the joint. those bastards.

well, despite weeks of protest, the husband is about to embark on a 4 day fishing trip in northern bc where his primary goal will be to interact with most, if not all of the above. most terrifyingly of which are fish. more specifically, salmon.

have you ever actually seen a salmon? if not, well enjoy this visual feast:

evil bastards

they are really f*&king ugly! and what’s worse is that i’m almost positive they are the al capone’s of the ocean – ruling the seas with an iron fist (fish) looking for unsuspecting victims to maul.

this hardcore scientific reasoning is why i am completely and utterly beyond panicked about husband’s fishing trip.

i’m seriously not kidding when i say that for the last week i have been having these insane visions of le husband falling off a boat into seriously deep waters, freezing to death and/or being carried away by a band of salmon. which sounds sorta like fun, until you factor in their innate evil-dom.

was i scared about getting married? nope. moving 12,952 km away to india? nah. walking around seriously putrid kolkata slums day in and day out? come on now.

but am i – no joke – terrified for my husband’s safety as he takes those tiny putt-putt planes to no-cell reception no-internet northern bc to taunt salmon for 4 days. and narwhals. but don’t even get me started on narwhals.

so the things we fear are sometimes idiotic, but does that make them any less valid? probably not.

this being the case, today  – like many days come to think of it – i thank god for chilled chardonnay.

what the what?

that time i got lost on july 1st.

1 Jul

lots of things happened when i was 8. i distinctly remember that it was at 8 years old that i started thinking boys were ok (yes that young – get over it) and i learned the f-word. i  look back on the latter moment with a special fondness as the f-word has since become one of my most favorite words. it’s just so f*&king versatile.

anyway, something else happened when i was 8 – i got lost in the giant ottawa montreal canada day parade.

now i don’t remember a lot about this day other than the basic facts: i was chosen to be in the parade because i was a small blonde-haired blue eyed girl dressed in head-to-toe red (have i always been such a keener?). i held the canada flag in the parade. when the parade was over, i couldn’t find my parents in the maniacal crowds. i panicked. i panicked some more. i located a cop and cried. the cop located my parents.  the end.

after you have a semi-traumatizing childhood experience in a crowd of thousands of nutty canadian patriots – you sort of stop caring about canada day.  funny how that works…eh?

yes, i know that this event was almost 20 years ago (gasp) and i’ve had plenty of semi-traumatizing experiences since then to replace this one with. but brains are a tricky business – somehow they always choose to remember whatever they want. bastards.

(exhibit b: no matter how hard i try to forget that i ever did a dance routine by myself  to the hit 1993 c&c music factory song “gonna make you sweat (everybody dance now)” in a talent show in front the whole school, i just can’t. denim cut-offs and body suit included.)

lord i need a chilled glass of chardy.

anyway, the calendar tells me it’s canada day again.  and while i am generally unenthusiastic about this holiday, today i am mysteriously feeling a glimmer of national pride. all it took was 12,952 km between me and you!

as the americans told me a few weeks ago: “american and canadian passports are the only game in town here.” and they’re so right.

it seems like all my colleagues have talked about immigrating to canada at one point or another already. they know that we have  many of the things that india doesn’t – good infrastructure, job opportunities, better living conditions and decent health care. and niagara falls – we can’t forget niagara falls.

i say why shouldn’t they come to canada? india has too many people anyway – frankly it makes me suspicious.

so today, on the day we became a united people who watch hockey and drink beer, i feel proud to be from a country so highly regarded that others are willing to risk everything  to join it.  i guess for the first time in a while  my previously established canada day trauma hasn’t prevented me from appreciating this day of national pride. and that’s pretty cool.

but fear not – because if you haven’t figured it out already from this collection  of stories and swear words – i’ll find some new awesome canadian foible to bitch about soon.

in the words of regina george from “mean girls”:  love ya! [blows double kiss]

in an absence of canada-esque pictures, i thought this would amuse you. i know he looks angry, but really he loved this game.