the night i met my husband i was wearing what might be the most unflattering and inappropriate outfit ever. if possible, i find the memory of this outfit more embarrassing than bra head al, so i share it reluctantly:
if you can believe it i was wearing this dashing ensemble to attend a graduation ball at my university. terrible poofy skirt? a tube top? really? to make it worse, as a well endowed girl gravity was (is) not in my favor – and the tube top was backless. jesus, i need to sit down.
regardless of my impressions now, in my haze of 4 1/2 years ago i thought i was quite possibly the best ever. awkward tan and all.
anyway, every 20-something knows it’s crass to show up to an event sober, so my friends and i had planned on attending a ‘pre-drinking’ party before the graduation ball. it was at this charming little gathering – dressed like a pirate hooker – that i met my future husband.
but let’s back up for a quick sec. at the risk of sounding like a total jc-esque [juan carlo – the bastard lizard] creeper i need to tell you that while this would be the first time i’d meet him, this wouldn’t be the first time i’d seen him. my university only had about 8,000 full-time students and because we were both in the commerce program, i had caught sight of him a few times.
honestly folks, he was totally ‘that guy’ on campus for me. each time i had seen him i had stared awkwardly while telling myself to forget it: he was obviously a football player, obviously into 5″2 110 lb blondes and obviously a total jackass.
flawless logic – obviously.
so you can see why when i quickly scanned the room upon my arrival at the pre-drinking gathering, i noticed him right away.
he was hanging out in the back corner of the kitchen with a football buddy, and i could hear them making fun of people and cracking ‘anchorman’-themed jokes from afar. making fun of people? i invented making fun people. so i downed some liquid courage and went over to chat with them.
and much to my surprise it went well! i was being hilarious, he was laughing at said hilariousnsess – and my boob hadn’t fallen out of the inappropriate top yet. all around aces.
but something was still bugging me. stereotyping had never failed before so what was this guy playing at? where was the football a-hole underneath his suspiciously nice exterior?
after more chatting at the graduation ball i had an unfortunate realization: i was really into him – and it wasn’t even the several million vodka tonics talking. he had been nothing but charming, kind, interesting, sarcastic, witty, confident, smart – and i dug it. a lot.
despite my inside voice (head, not indoor) telling me to run like mad, i pressed on.
as the ball was winding down he casually invited me out to a bar with a smaller group for further dancing and drinks. i thought this was a good sign – he must be digging me too.
but shortly after our arrival at the club my jock-ahole-tiny-woman-loving fears were confirmed: he disappeared!
that bastard – he had obviously found someone hotter, skinnier and drunker than me that he felt would be less work to hook up with that night. theory proven – kablamo – he was a jackass!
a while later as i was quietly fuming in a corner he had the nerve to find me and ask if i wanted to go get pizza. (inside voice said: his hotter-skinner-drunker plan b fell through and now he wants to take you home with him.) so, naturally, i sweetly said sure and told him to get his coat.
as he wandered through the crowd in the direction of the coat check, i did the only i could think of: i left him there.
and thus, kind readers, concluded the first night i met my husband.
(to answer your lingering queries: yes, i really did leave him at the bar. no, i am not a giant bitch all the time. yes, my behavior only further intrigued him and now we’re married. for real.)
of course, we have laughed about this ridiculous night on many occasions. he’s given me hell for abandoning him (saying “i really just did want pizza you know – i was hungry!”) and i’ve reconfirmed my second impression of him a million times over: he truly is just an exceptionally sweet, genuine, hilarious and well-intentioned dude.
and as much as i hate to admit it (because it makes me sound painfully dull) i knew from that first night – you know, the night we choose to remember – that he was it for me.
so all of this is to say happy birthday dear husband – without you i’d most definitely still be in someone’s dingy apartment, in a horrible outfit, drinking vodka and quoting ‘anchorman’. so thanks instead for our awesome life together.